Sandwich Generation
"Sandwich please!" yells the teenager from the depths of his bedroom behind multiple screens. "Sandwich please, " asks the parent from the couch after skipping breakfast.
But for right now, this is not about food, it's our position in the hierarchy of the family.
The "stuff" between the breads is what holds the sandwich together. It reveals sometimes the meat of the sandwich: A middle aged adult caring for their child and also becoming their parent's caregiver. It feels like being squished and getting pulled apart at the same time. Getting sandwiched is the ultimate double edged sword of having the honor of doing both: Taking care of an aging parent while being obligated financially, physically, emotionally and simultaneously supporting their offspring is the "sandwich generation". There are stressors of being bombarded by both sides plus the guilt of not being able to succeed at both simultaneously. You have been training for this all your life but never ready for this race.
For those reading this that can relate, here's a few tips for us, as caretakers, to follow:
Self-care for the caretakers : Exercise, take breaks, meditate, then do not feel guilty: eat the cake!
Are you thinking you should sacrifice your career to take care of aging parents? There are tax exemptions, benefits and joys, but there is also a middle ground, find what feels comfortable for you and it can come in stages. If your income is the primary one, and that's not an option, then you can't be all 3 , (employee, adult child caretaker to the elderly and parent of your children). It's not sustainable. So……..
Distribute the work load: adult caretakers, geriatric social workers, cleaning staff, babysitters, send out or deliver laundry/food/pharmacy, etc.
Have the hard conversations with siblings, neighbors, primary care physicians and geriatricians. Look at senior or retirement communities if multiple staff and help/assistance is not affordable or if the aging parent lives far away from the rest of the family.
Get all the affairs in order, yours and theirs: Save for your own retirement rather than put into a college fund. Make certain of everyone's wishes before they get sick. Get the paperwork settled for power of attorney. Set up your own will, find your tribe if you haven't already. Who will have your back if something happens to you? Designate everyone's role.
Keep your health on the top of the list: That annoying toothache, the climbing cholesterol numbers, stress induced anxiety, don't let it simmer! We all know it won't go away if you ignore it. Please take care of your mental, physical and emotional needs which would then make it easier to participate and make decisions on everyone else's health needs. It is super important even from a logistical standpoint to buy yourself time later before your issue explodes into a larger problem or emergency, which then involves other people and more time!
Conclusion
As an experienced physical therapist working with people of all ages and backgrounds, I have seen firsthand how predictable the patterns are of decline, accidents and injuries. One very common path aging, sedentary lifestyle, not exercising, delaying medical care, pushing the limits of skipping meals or poor diet or insufficient sleep can lead to disastrous results. Another one: sudden loss of balance, fall with fracture, surgery, hospitalization and then all the infections and chronic issues lead unfortunately to nursing home, where the death rate is higher than at home. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2708119/
Next steps
Consider a videochat with your doctor, or your parents' physician to discuss the list of small things that are just "not right". Now, more than ever, doctors are actually more reachable than in previous times, thank you Covid. Conversations are consultations, actional plans are put in place and tests and pharmaceutical needs can be ordered electronically. The beauty of the pandemic has increased internet capabilities and improved communication (not without errors or faults) but slightly easier and perhaps more efficient than in past years.
Every generation wants the best for the next generation, don't we? So, please imagine an older car driving far away from home, trying to climb multiple steep hills with low gas, poor brakes and neglected parts, would you trust it? Fix the small things now before they become big things.